We need to have a talk.
There comes a time in a woman’s life when shit hits the fan.
And of course when a man loves a woman very, very, much he completely breaks her heart and then she finds out she’s knocked up – or something like that. Look, I don’t know, I’m new to all of this……
So yeah. I had a pretty interesting line up of interesting things to write about. I literally still have them saved in drafts on here. Then, out of nowhere, it hit me :
Where the hell is my period????
This shit is unbelievable. To be honest I am still grappling with the news and I am almost three months pregnant. Yup, you read that right. I am already almost finished with my first trimester. When the hell did I get a trimester to call it “my first trimester“???
You see, with pregnancy you begin to own things you never knew you could have, for instance:
My Due Date (April 8 2018)
My Birth plan (Try no to die whilst getting this thing out of me)
My Pregnancy Symptoms (Never fucking ending queasiness, heartburn that makes me want to punch someone, daily headaches like religion, and irritability that would rival the grumpiest of old men)
My Baby’s Heart Rate (at last check, 127)
All kinds of fun things that now belong to me that I never asked for. And oh yes, TroutMouth is handling all of this just as you’d expect him to. I mean what exactly can you ask of a man who threw you away like last night’s fish grease? Dealing with this man has been much like trying to get your drunk aunt to get in the car to go home after Thanksgiving.
A literal reenactment of my pregnancy announcement:
Me: * Sends a picture of the multiple positive tests*
TroutMouth: Is this serious?
Me: What the fuck do you think?
TroutMouth: If its about money I will pay for the abortion.
Yes, a chorus of excitement from the peanut gallery. I mean all in all, what did I expect I guess? Neither of us was actually trying to do this. We were both stupid and careless, (I mean some more than others as I was aware I may get pregnant but I truly believed this was the man I was going to marry, but I digress…) but we weren’t necessarily saying, “Yes we are trying to make a human with our naughty bits”. But, I was always upfront with him about my stance on abortion and how they were different for me versus what I believed should be true for all women. Truth is, I’ve known I couldn’t bear to have an abortion for as long as I’ve known what abortion was. I swear its true.
I’ve scoured the cold depths of my barren soul in the dark alone to make sure it isn’t just something I’m saying because you’re ‘supposed to say it’. It isn’t. Even with how wildly inconvenient this little nub is, and even though it will always be a reminder of the man who didn’t love me as much as I loved him, I can’t imagine letting someone take it from me. I earn a living, not a fantastic one, but a living all the same. I’m educated. I don’t know, I don’t see why I’d be any worse at this whole thing than anyone else….
When I was married to FutureX I wanted nothing more than to have a baby (what a fucking imbecile I was). We tried, and tried, and tried for almost 18 months with me charting, and meditating, and basal thermometer-ing away with no results, not even a scare. So in a way, I think, I kind of didn’t believe I could get pregnant. I knew removing my birth control with TroutMouth was technically a risk but I figured, well we have at least 18 months where nothing will happen. It was actually at his request that I take out my Mirena, I feel it important to say. My cycle would sometimes be – well, not exactly irregular – but, you know, – spotty – and that would limit the days of play for us. He mentioned me ‘just taking it out’ and me, the naïve, optimistic, dumb dumb that I am, thought this meant obviously he saw a future for us.
I guess old TroutMouth thought I couldn’t get pregnant either considering his tantrum-esq reaction.
It is hard. All day, everyday it is hard. I am emotional and lonely most of the time. I switch back and forth between cursing the heavens and worrying obsessively about all the things that can go wrong with Lil Nub. On Aug 18th I went to my first ultrasound (which TroutMouth opted not to attend). I was a nervous wreck chugging water and PowerAde like it was my job to make SURRREEE we could see whatever there was to be seen.
I’d been absolutely torturing myself all week about chemical pregnancies, and ectopic pregnancies, missed miscarriages, likelihood of miscarriage for first pregnancies, the works. If it could devastate me, I looked it up. The second the first test turned positive I immediately switch into worry mode and hadn’t left it yet.
I laid on the table, heart in my throat, completely ready to be disappointed and within nanoseconds there it was.
“Here’s your baby,” the ultrasound-goo lady said.
There it was. The most beautiful flickering, smack dab in the middle of my uterus. Just chilling. I’ve never been so blown away in my life. Tears rolled one by one into my ears as I stared up at the screen. In a moment my thoughts went from “What did I do so wrong to deserve this?” to “What did I ever do so right to deserve this?”
A blurb inside of a dark black bulb now owns my ass. I am its slave. It want’s chili dogs with extra mustard in the middle of Insecure? I get my little butt on the road. It wants to stay in bed all morning? Well I guess that’s where I’ll be. I am so humbled by this baby.
I have to ask for help now. I have to let myself be vulnerable and weak sometimes because I have no other choice. This baby is proof I don’t got it all together, and I have to be okay with that, because if actually getting to meet this little life force is anything like that ultrasound I know the reward will be so worth it.
See you soon 😉